Lyrics to Right Here :
I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face
But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting
I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending it's as much as i can take
and you're so independent
you just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break
But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting
I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you
Why can't you just forgive me
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way
But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting
But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting
the first time I saw Kevin was when I walked into my freshman science class in 2002.
"Right Here" by Staind was released as the first single of the bands cd 'Chapter V' in 2005. By the time this song came out I was head over heels in love with him. Staind was the only band we ever agreed on. Ever. in the almost 8 years that Ive known him this has always been the one band whos music we loved to share. I loved hearing this song with him but I loved it even more when I was in the car alone. I could be having the worst day and I would turn up the radio and this song would come on and everything that was bringing me down didnt bother me so much anymore. this song would light me up from the inside out. I would think of him, his face, his smile, his touch, his kiss, and I would think how perfect this song was for us but truth is I never paid much attention to the words. all I knew was that no matter what he always knew just what to say or do to keep me hooked and to keep waiting for him and hoping for forever.
I still love this band, I still find myself thinking of their songs whenever something happens and always picking out the perfect one to embody the moment, but I cant bring myself to play the songs. I cant stand to hear these songs I once loved so much. it hurts more than I can ever posisbly explain. I feel my heart tearing. and it hurts more because I know he can listen to it without even flinching and that when these songs, possibly the very one above, come on the radio when hes in the car with her, hes holding her hand while he sings along off key, not mine. that thought kills me.
for the first time in a long time I took a long hard look at these lyrics and I realize now just how perfect they really are. Kevin was right. I didnt give him a chance to show me how much he had changed. I was so hurt and so afraid of being hurt again I couldnt stop and look for change I was just waiting for the same mistakes. I was all to ready to through his mistakes in his face. but no matter what I did to drive him away, I was always waiting for him, I still am. I dont blame him for the choices hes made and I probably would have done the same thing had been in his place but I still love him. very, very slowly Im finding peace but the fact is deep down Im still waiting. I dont know if he knows what hes doing to me when he talks to me but he always says just the right thing to keep me waiting. just the right words to keep me hoping. sometimes it makes me angry and I feel like its not fair for him to do this to me cause I suspect he knows what hes doing but at the same time I dont want him to stop.
my parents have been divorced for 15 years. if they had never divorced, today, August 24, 2010 would have been their 25th wedding anniversary. my parents are getting remarried, to each other, March 26, 2011. they have been together (off and on granted) for 28 years. thats more than half their lives. that knowlage terrifies me. I dont want to find myself in thier place 20 years from now. I dont want to find myself still clinging to something that may not be meant to be. I want to do it and get it right once. I want to celebrate a 25th anniversary with a husband, not an ex husband who Im going to remarry. I want to spend my 25th anniversary renewing my still intact vows, not having to repeat them as though for the first time. Im scared. Im scared Im never going to get it right. Im scared that we're going to be caught in this vicious circle forever. Im afraid that we did have it right but that we were just too stupid to know it and because of that we didnt really deserve it in the first place. Im just so afraid....
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
catchy little tune
Silver moons and paper dreams
Faded maps and shiny things
You're my favorite one-man show
A million different ways to go
Will you fly me away?
Take me away with you, my love
Painted scenes, I'm up all night
Slaying monsters, flying kites
Speak to me in foreign tongues
And share your secrets one by one
Will you fly me away?
Take me away with you, my love
Can hardly think what life was like
Before I had you by my side
Can't say what I'd do without you
Knowing what it's like to have you
Hidden walkways back in time
Endless stories, lover's crime
In my mind, I've been set free
We'll take this journey, you and me
Will you fly me away?
Take me away with you, my love
Saturday, August 7, 2010
people always leave
I had a date today. Im not sure how real it was but it was a date. To me a "real" date is when the guys comes over, picks up the girl, takes her out for a few hours and spends time with her doing something they both enjoy out somewhere and then takes her home and maybe kisses her goodbye or something equally meaningful. I didnt get picked up. I did go out and meet a guy for a few hours and spend time with him. I hated the movie we watched but I liked spending time with him. but something happened and Im still not sure I enjoyed it.
while we at the movies. sitting in the dark, he reached over and took my hand. and he held it. I havnt held hands with someone in months. the only man Ive held hands with is my ex. hes the only one. it makes no sense. I cheated on him. I did. many times. I let other men touch me and use me and disrespect me and after all of that I would come home and clean up and be his. I let these other men kiss me, touch me, put their hands and mouths on me. I let them fuck me. but never once did I let any of them hold my hand. it makes no sense I know. one would think that there was more intimacy in fucking than in holding someones hand, right? wrong. well for me anyway.
when I fucked other men, I wasnt looking for intimacy, I wasnt looking for love. I was looking for attention. I wanted to be wanted, to be noticed, to be desired. I wanted all the things I wasnt getting from my ex. he was never around. the only time he made time for me was when he wanted sex. he was no different than the rest except for the fact that he gave me the title. he made me his. and when we did actually go out, he staked a claim on me. it didnt matter where we were or what we were doing. he always held my hand. everywhere. the grocery store, the pet store, the beach, to dinner, to the movies, church, his parents house, my parents house, my grandmas house. everywhere. that was more intimate to me than any sex act in the book. to me that showed me that he wasnt afraid of letting anyone know I was his. that he wanted the world to know. holding his hand, no matter how bad things were between us, always made me feel safe. made me feel I belonged somewhere. my hands are tiny. I know that. his hands were so much bigger than mine, but my hand in his was always a perfect fit. always. I always loved that. and at one point so did he. it let me know I belonged and that I was doing the right thing by staying with him. that we belonged together.
today wasnt a perfect fit. it was strange and awkward and unfamiliar. and it bothered me. one becuase it felt so wrong. and so strange but also becuase I felt guilty. I did. I know it makes no sense but I did, I felt so very guilty. and then I was mad. because he doesnt care. he didnt feel guilty when he started holding her hand. he didnt even think twice. it didnt matter to him. because she wasnt me and thats all that mattered. but no matter how much I tried to convince myself that it wasnt wrong and that I shouldnt feel bad, I still did.
and then I get home. I really do hate this century. I hate all the advances in technology. I hate that anything and anyone is just a click away. I saw his page. I saw his page and he was using the lyrics from OUR song, OURS, MINE AND HIS to talk about her. that stupid bitch that gets to call him hers. I gave him everything. my heart, my body, my youth, my innocence, my trust! and he would dare to use those words for her. what has she given him?! a distraction?!
I would have given him the world if I had had the power to. its not fair you know. its not fair that I could have the capicity to love this way and to waste it on men who dont love me. its not fair to me, and its not fair to the men who could love me.
I just want to belong again. I want to feel loved and safe and secure. I want to hold his hand and feel like Ive found my place in the world. I just want to be whole again.
while we at the movies. sitting in the dark, he reached over and took my hand. and he held it. I havnt held hands with someone in months. the only man Ive held hands with is my ex. hes the only one. it makes no sense. I cheated on him. I did. many times. I let other men touch me and use me and disrespect me and after all of that I would come home and clean up and be his. I let these other men kiss me, touch me, put their hands and mouths on me. I let them fuck me. but never once did I let any of them hold my hand. it makes no sense I know. one would think that there was more intimacy in fucking than in holding someones hand, right? wrong. well for me anyway.
when I fucked other men, I wasnt looking for intimacy, I wasnt looking for love. I was looking for attention. I wanted to be wanted, to be noticed, to be desired. I wanted all the things I wasnt getting from my ex. he was never around. the only time he made time for me was when he wanted sex. he was no different than the rest except for the fact that he gave me the title. he made me his. and when we did actually go out, he staked a claim on me. it didnt matter where we were or what we were doing. he always held my hand. everywhere. the grocery store, the pet store, the beach, to dinner, to the movies, church, his parents house, my parents house, my grandmas house. everywhere. that was more intimate to me than any sex act in the book. to me that showed me that he wasnt afraid of letting anyone know I was his. that he wanted the world to know. holding his hand, no matter how bad things were between us, always made me feel safe. made me feel I belonged somewhere. my hands are tiny. I know that. his hands were so much bigger than mine, but my hand in his was always a perfect fit. always. I always loved that. and at one point so did he. it let me know I belonged and that I was doing the right thing by staying with him. that we belonged together.
today wasnt a perfect fit. it was strange and awkward and unfamiliar. and it bothered me. one becuase it felt so wrong. and so strange but also becuase I felt guilty. I did. I know it makes no sense but I did, I felt so very guilty. and then I was mad. because he doesnt care. he didnt feel guilty when he started holding her hand. he didnt even think twice. it didnt matter to him. because she wasnt me and thats all that mattered. but no matter how much I tried to convince myself that it wasnt wrong and that I shouldnt feel bad, I still did.
and then I get home. I really do hate this century. I hate all the advances in technology. I hate that anything and anyone is just a click away. I saw his page. I saw his page and he was using the lyrics from OUR song, OURS, MINE AND HIS to talk about her. that stupid bitch that gets to call him hers. I gave him everything. my heart, my body, my youth, my innocence, my trust! and he would dare to use those words for her. what has she given him?! a distraction?!
I would have given him the world if I had had the power to. its not fair you know. its not fair that I could have the capicity to love this way and to waste it on men who dont love me. its not fair to me, and its not fair to the men who could love me.
I just want to belong again. I want to feel loved and safe and secure. I want to hold his hand and feel like Ive found my place in the world. I just want to be whole again.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
just needed to rant.
"ill never move on i just distract myself alot.. You were always good enough for me. Ive always taken you as you are"
I can not believe that at one point I acctually fell for this line. I was so stupid. I cant believe I ever thought it was meant to be or that he really wanted me for keeps. i try so hard every single day to free myself of my love for him. to try and move on and somedays I really think Im making progress and then I find time. time to think. time to re-analyze every word, every touch, every thought, every action. and then I cry. the fact that I can still cry over him hurts almost as much as anything else.
somedays Im grateful to him for the things he gave me. he showed me that there were some men out there I could trust. I could let down the walls and not everything would go to hell. (well not right away anyway). he showed me that I have an incredible capacity for love. before I met him I never would have believed it was possible to love like I have. I gave every bit of myself to him, even the parts I knew I could never get back once given. He showed me what it meant to be selfless and to put someone else's feelings and needs before my own. he showed what it meant to be loved, to be wanted, and needed, and cherished (even if it was only for a second).
somedays I really do feel that way. most days though, I just want to go back in time and stop myself from ever talking to him in that hallway. I could have saved myself a world of pain and so many tears. I wish I could back to the times when we were broken up and give myself the courage to find someone else and take a true interest in them, if I had maybe I could have discovered a long time ago that there are some men out there who could love me so much better, and more fully than he could. He took so much from me, and I honestly feel like I got very little back. ours was never an equal relationship. I never got as much as I gave. I got complaints and gripes about the "sacrifices" I forced him to make for me. when your with someone in that kind of relationship, every word you tell each other should speak life into the other person. every word should be filled with love and concern for the other best interest. I dont feel like every word that crossed his lips spoke life into me. Im sure not all of mine did either but I tried my best to always speak life into him. I never wanted to hurt him and I did everything in my power to ever avoid causing him pain or hurt. he never showed me even an ounce of that consideration.
looking back, it just hurts. and its so tiring and exhausting. there are some moments I do enjoy revisiting in my mind and playing over and over again. our first kiss. the first time he told me he loved me. the first time I realized I loved him. the times I found myself falling in love all over again. the times he was there when no one else was. laying in his arms that first night in our apartment. sitting in his car with my head in his lap staring into the night sky talking about the family we dreamed of with each other and talking about babies. holding his niece and playing with her then looking up to see the sweetest smile stretched across his lips and almost being able to see the image of me with our own child reflected in his eyes. driving in his car with my hand in his. walking with my hand in his. I dont mean to make it sound like there were no good times. there were many, but no amount of good times can erase the heartache Ive suffered. still suffer.
I feel so used. I worry sometimes that he took the best out of me and that theres nothing left to offer anyone else. I worry that one day Im going to meet some guy who stirs something in me but I'll have nothing to offer except a battered and abused heart. what if Im right? what if theres nothing good left? Im only 22 and Im already damaged goods. how is it fair to pawn that off on anyone else? I was broken when he met me and I thought he had fixed me and would keep me whole forever. he promised me he would. his promises were nothing but empty words. Im worse off now than when I met him and he can not say the same. how is that fair?
I can not believe that at one point I acctually fell for this line. I was so stupid. I cant believe I ever thought it was meant to be or that he really wanted me for keeps. i try so hard every single day to free myself of my love for him. to try and move on and somedays I really think Im making progress and then I find time. time to think. time to re-analyze every word, every touch, every thought, every action. and then I cry. the fact that I can still cry over him hurts almost as much as anything else.
somedays Im grateful to him for the things he gave me. he showed me that there were some men out there I could trust. I could let down the walls and not everything would go to hell. (well not right away anyway). he showed me that I have an incredible capacity for love. before I met him I never would have believed it was possible to love like I have. I gave every bit of myself to him, even the parts I knew I could never get back once given. He showed me what it meant to be selfless and to put someone else's feelings and needs before my own. he showed what it meant to be loved, to be wanted, and needed, and cherished (even if it was only for a second).
somedays I really do feel that way. most days though, I just want to go back in time and stop myself from ever talking to him in that hallway. I could have saved myself a world of pain and so many tears. I wish I could back to the times when we were broken up and give myself the courage to find someone else and take a true interest in them, if I had maybe I could have discovered a long time ago that there are some men out there who could love me so much better, and more fully than he could. He took so much from me, and I honestly feel like I got very little back. ours was never an equal relationship. I never got as much as I gave. I got complaints and gripes about the "sacrifices" I forced him to make for me. when your with someone in that kind of relationship, every word you tell each other should speak life into the other person. every word should be filled with love and concern for the other best interest. I dont feel like every word that crossed his lips spoke life into me. Im sure not all of mine did either but I tried my best to always speak life into him. I never wanted to hurt him and I did everything in my power to ever avoid causing him pain or hurt. he never showed me even an ounce of that consideration.
looking back, it just hurts. and its so tiring and exhausting. there are some moments I do enjoy revisiting in my mind and playing over and over again. our first kiss. the first time he told me he loved me. the first time I realized I loved him. the times I found myself falling in love all over again. the times he was there when no one else was. laying in his arms that first night in our apartment. sitting in his car with my head in his lap staring into the night sky talking about the family we dreamed of with each other and talking about babies. holding his niece and playing with her then looking up to see the sweetest smile stretched across his lips and almost being able to see the image of me with our own child reflected in his eyes. driving in his car with my hand in his. walking with my hand in his. I dont mean to make it sound like there were no good times. there were many, but no amount of good times can erase the heartache Ive suffered. still suffer.
I feel so used. I worry sometimes that he took the best out of me and that theres nothing left to offer anyone else. I worry that one day Im going to meet some guy who stirs something in me but I'll have nothing to offer except a battered and abused heart. what if Im right? what if theres nothing good left? Im only 22 and Im already damaged goods. how is it fair to pawn that off on anyone else? I was broken when he met me and I thought he had fixed me and would keep me whole forever. he promised me he would. his promises were nothing but empty words. Im worse off now than when I met him and he can not say the same. how is that fair?
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