I can not believe that at one point I acctually fell for this line. I was so stupid. I cant believe I ever thought it was meant to be or that he really wanted me for keeps. i try so hard every single day to free myself of my love for him. to try and move on and somedays I really think Im making progress and then I find time. time to think. time to re-analyze every word, every touch, every thought, every action. and then I cry. the fact that I can still cry over him hurts almost as much as anything else.
somedays Im grateful to him for the things he gave me. he showed me that there were some men out there I could trust. I could let down the walls and not everything would go to hell. (well not right away anyway). he showed me that I have an incredible capacity for love. before I met him I never would have believed it was possible to love like I have. I gave every bit of myself to him, even the parts I knew I could never get back once given. He showed me what it meant to be selfless and to put someone else's feelings and needs before my own. he showed what it meant to be loved, to be wanted, and needed, and cherished (even if it was only for a second).
somedays I really do feel that way. most days though, I just want to go back in time and stop myself from ever talking to him in that hallway. I could have saved myself a world of pain and so many tears. I wish I could back to the times when we were broken up and give myself the courage to find someone else and take a true interest in them, if I had maybe I could have discovered a long time ago that there are some men out there who could love me so much better, and more fully than he could. He took so much from me, and I honestly feel like I got very little back. ours was never an equal relationship. I never got as much as I gave. I got complaints and gripes about the "sacrifices" I forced him to make for me. when your with someone in that kind of relationship, every word you tell each other should speak life into the other person. every word should be filled with love and concern for the other best interest. I dont feel like every word that crossed his lips spoke life into me. Im sure not all of mine did either but I tried my best to always speak life into him. I never wanted to hurt him and I did everything in my power to ever avoid causing him pain or hurt. he never showed me even an ounce of that consideration.
looking back, it just hurts. and its so tiring and exhausting. there are some moments I do enjoy revisiting in my mind and playing over and over again. our first kiss. the first time he told me he loved me. the first time I realized I loved him. the times I found myself falling in love all over again. the times he was there when no one else was. laying in his arms that first night in our apartment. sitting in his car with my head in his lap staring into the night sky talking about the family we dreamed of with each other and talking about babies. holding his niece and playing with her then looking up to see the sweetest smile stretched across his lips and almost being able to see the image of me with our own child reflected in his eyes. driving in his car with my hand in his. walking with my hand in his. I dont mean to make it sound like there were no good times. there were many, but no amount of good times can erase the heartache Ive suffered. still suffer.
I feel so used. I worry sometimes that he took the best out of me and that theres nothing left to offer anyone else. I worry that one day Im going to meet some guy who stirs something in me but I'll have nothing to offer except a battered and abused heart. what if Im right? what if theres nothing good left? Im only 22 and Im already damaged goods. how is it fair to pawn that off on anyone else? I was broken when he met me and I thought he had fixed me and would keep me whole forever. he promised me he would. his promises were nothing but empty words. Im worse off now than when I met him and he can not say the same. how is that fair?
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