people always leave

I had a date today. Im not sure how real it was but it was a date. To me a "real" date is when the guys comes over, picks up the girl, takes her out for a few hours and spends time with her doing something they both enjoy out somewhere and then takes her home and maybe kisses her goodbye or something equally meaningful. I didnt get picked up. I did go out and meet a guy for a few hours and spend time with him. I hated the movie we watched but I liked spending time with him. but something happened and Im still not sure I enjoyed it.

while we at the movies. sitting in the dark, he reached over and took my hand. and he held it. I havnt held hands with someone in months. the only man Ive held hands with is my ex. hes the only one. it makes no sense. I cheated on him. I did. many times. I let other men touch me and use me and disrespect me and after all of that I would come home and clean up and be his. I let these other men kiss me, touch me, put their hands and mouths on me. I let them fuck me. but never once did I let any of them hold my hand. it makes no sense I know. one would think that there was more intimacy in fucking than in holding someones hand, right? wrong. well for me anyway.

when I fucked other men, I wasnt looking for intimacy, I wasnt looking for love. I was looking for attention. I wanted to be wanted, to be noticed, to be desired. I wanted all the things I wasnt getting from my ex. he was never around. the only time he made time for me was when he wanted sex. he was no different than the rest except for the fact that he gave me the title. he made me his. and when we did actually go out, he staked a claim on me. it didnt matter where we were or what we were doing. he always held my hand. everywhere. the grocery store, the pet store, the beach, to dinner, to the movies, church, his parents house, my parents house, my grandmas house. everywhere. that was more intimate to me than any sex act in the book. to me that showed me that he wasnt afraid of letting anyone know I was his. that he wanted the world to know. holding his hand, no matter how bad things were between us, always made me feel safe. made me feel I belonged somewhere. my hands are tiny. I know that. his hands were so much bigger than mine, but my hand in his was always a perfect fit. always. I always loved that. and at one point so did he. it let me know I belonged and that I was doing the right thing by staying with him. that we belonged together.

today wasnt a perfect fit. it was strange and awkward and unfamiliar. and it bothered me. one becuase it felt so wrong. and so strange but also becuase I felt guilty. I did. I know it makes no sense but I did, I felt so very guilty. and then I was mad. because he doesnt care. he didnt feel guilty when he started holding her hand. he didnt even think twice. it didnt matter to him. because she wasnt me and thats all that mattered. but no matter how much I tried to convince myself that it wasnt wrong and that I shouldnt feel bad, I still did.

and then I get home. I really do hate this century. I hate all the advances in technology. I hate that anything and anyone is just a click away. I saw his page. I saw his page and he was using the lyrics from OUR song, OURS, MINE AND HIS to talk about her. that stupid bitch that gets to call him hers. I gave him everything. my heart, my body, my youth, my innocence, my trust! and he would dare to use those words for her. what has she given him?! a distraction?!

I would have given him the world if I had had the power to. its not fair you know. its not fair that I could have the capicity to love this way and to waste it on men who dont love me. its not fair to me, and its not fair to the men who could love me.

I just want to belong again. I want to feel loved and safe and secure. I want to hold his hand and feel like Ive found my place in the world. I just want to be whole again.