its been a while but heres a new confession

I dont know how else to say it. Im terrified. I am well aware of the fact that I am still very much in love with my ex and that its going to be a while before I fall out of love with him and before Im fully over him, if ever, but I think Im really starting to like someone. hes nice and funny and sweet and understanding and paitient. hes so different than what Im used to. Im so scared. I really like him and I wish I could offer him more than friendship but Im so afraid that I'll end up hurting him or that I'll screw it all up like I always do. I dont know what to do.

deviating

ok, so as hokey as its going to sound, christina aguilera is one of my favorite singers and I just heard this song off her latest album and I absolutly fell in love with it. its an amazing song and it makes me feel like someone else out there knows what its like to be neglected and betrayed by the one person you once held above all others.










"you lost me"

I am done, smoking gun
We've lost it all, the love is gone
She has won, now it's no fun
We've lost it all, the love is gone

And we had magic
And this is tragic
You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We've found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

And we tried, oh how we cried
We lost ourselves, the love has died
And though we tried you can't deny
We're left as shells, we lost the fight

And we had magic
And this is tragic
You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We've found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

Now I know you're sorry and we were sweet
But you chose lust when you deceived me
And you'll regret it, but it's too late
How can I ever trust you again?

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We've found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

the truth? he think I sleep with guys as a coping mechanism, the truth is I do it because even though they may only want me for one thing, at least they want me. he doesnt. and everytime I find myself in someones bed with his hands all over me and his face inches away from mine, I dont have his face in my head. everytime I fuck someone I hope it will fuck the thought him and me together out of my head but it never does. the thoughts always come back, so I keep going back to these men.

I dont need to share anything other than...

yea, pretty much

my biggest fear right now is that I'll never get over you and I'll never find happiness and while Im dying inside you'll be living the life we should have had togehter with her. I dont even know her but I hate her for that.

drafts

these are two seperate emails I drafter tonight. I meant to ssend the first one and then I got a call that fucked everything up and made the second one nececassary. the first one was meant for my pastor, the second for my sister. instead of sending them Im posting them here because Im just to exhausted. Im so drained. Im out of energy, out of tears. out of everything:


I know you cant fix me, and I know theres nothing you or anyone else do to make the pain go away but I hurt all the time. I cant stand it anymore. Ive been to hell and back so many times over, one would think I could handle any pain at this point but I cant this is too much. I hurt all the time, and its all I can do to hide the pain, but its getting hard. I just dont care anymore. I try my best to hide it from my friends and people around me and pretend that Im happy with where my life is and that Im looking for someone new and that Im doing my best to move on from my marriage but Im not. Im not happy. Im not moving on. its not that I dont want to, believe me I do. I just cant. Im not there and its killing me.

lately I find myself thinking of my suicide attempt. its been almost 10 years since I tried to end my life and for the first time since then Ive started wishing I hadnt failed. I cant help but think of all the pain it would have saved me from. I know thats wrong and I feel so bad for thinking these things but I cant help it. Im too afraid to ever do it again and I feel too guilty to start hurting myself again. I dont know what to do with this hurt. over 10 years of therapy and none of did me any good.

I dont want to love him anymore. I want to be over him, I want to be able to think of him and not feel myself completely going to pieces. its so hard. I see him being so happy with his new girlfriend and I can feel myself breaking. I cant stop myself from thinking and wondering about why she deserves so much better treatment than I ever got. I start wondering whats so much better about her, what she can give him in the few months shes known him that I couldnt give him in 8 years. I want my heart to be my own again. somedays I even find myself wishing I had never met him and yet if he called me tonight and asked me to take him back I would in a heartbeat. how horrible is that?

I want to be numb. I dont want to feel anything. I know some people say they would rather hurt. I wouldnt. I would much rather feel pure oblivion than what I feel inside right now. I want to drink till I cant remember his name, I want to get so high I dont know how to cry for him, I want to go to bed with every guy I meet just to get his face out of my head. I want to be able to take my fucking meaningless ring off for just one day and not feel completely off balance because its not on my finger. I want oblivion. but Im to scared to find it.

I feel so alone. even a roomful of friends I feel completely isolated. i cant talk to any of my friends about this anymore. Ive cried over him so much to them, they could never understand how I feel. none of them can understand why its so hard for me. I cant even fully understand it.somedays I just feel like I could explode.


Im sorry for all of this. I just dont know where to turn anymore. as much as I say I want oblivion, truth is I just want peace. I want healing. I want to move on and come out whole again. a part of me will always be his and will always hope for a way to make things work and I know that and Im okay with that. he was my first love. he is how I learned to love and what it means. and unfortunatly, I also learned what it doesnt mean. I want to find someone who is worthy of my heart and my love and who can appreciate all the things I have to offer and who wants not his best for me, but God's best for me. I want to find a man who loves me not inspite of my faults but because of them and because they show Im only human and exactly as God meant me to be. I want to find a man who isnt looking for a future version of me. I just wish I knew how to get to a point where I can appreciate that and know what that looks like. I just dont know how to get there and Im so afraid I never will.



second email:


I dont know what to do or think anymore. things with kevin have been wierd and awkward since we broke up and it only got worse after I slept with him but he really makes no senese to me right now.
he cheated on his girlfreind and slept with me. he randomly asks to see me. when we agreed to be friends I told him I just wanted to be able to talk to him but not see him, he didnt listen. he knows I wont say no. he checks up on my on facebook and myspace all the time and if I dont txt him in day he'll msg me looking for me. he called me last night for sex. but yet he cant understand why Im not over him and why some part of me still has hope or why it hurts so damn much when he tells me hes moving in with her. what the hell?! I know all of this is my own fault also but when I told him I wanted to try and be friends I told him I wanted boundries but he knows I wont say no to him.
how can he call me for sex and then 24 hrs later tell me hes over me and wants her? it makes no sense!!! a part of me feels like hes trying to convince himself he loves her and wants her because hes afraid it could never work. he never really tried to make it work. I always fought for us. he never did.
and to be honest I cant help but feel hes only moving in with her because hes broke. for the past weeks hes barely had enough money to feed himself. how the hell is he going to be able to make living with her work? hes worse off than when we lived together.
and she pays for everything vicki! everything! everytime they go out or do anything shes the one who pays. a part of me feels like hes with her because its the exact opposite of what he had with me. she does everything for him, she spoils him, shes willing to settle for his shortcoming and not expect much. I never asked him to spoil me, I never asked him to blow money on me, I just wanted his time but that was too much. I refused to settle for less. I refused to accept mediocore from him when I knew he was capable of so much more. I cant appologize for wanting the best from him. I wont.
I want to be happy. I want to be able to think of him and not feel myself break or burst into tears. yes a part of me will always have hope, a part of me will always belong to him and only him and will forever want to try again but its not fair. why was I so easy to toss aside? what does she have? what can she give him in just a few months that I couldnt give him in 8 years? it hurts so much sister. so very much. Im so depressed and not because of this but because I cant get over him. nothing helps. nothing works. Ive even found myself wishing those pills had worked all those years ago because then I never would have met him and never would have had to suffer through the hell of loving him. even with other men in my life showing me theres so much better out there, I love him. I dont want to love him anymore.
Im trying so hard to be nice to hm and make him understand how I feel and why its so hard for me and hes so angry at me. I never stopped loving him, I never stopped hoping and wishing for a way to make it work. I never stopped picturing him at the end of the aisle waiting for me, crying over how beautiful he thought I looked in my wedding gown. I asked for the promise ring I had given him 3 years ago and hes so mad at me. if he was really over it and if he really wanted her instead of me, why should it be so hard to give me back that ring? that ring was a promise I made to him. that ring and the one he gave me embody everything we were, everything we wanted to for each other together. if hes really moved on, shouldnt it be easy to give me that ring back? obviously those promises dont mean anything anymore, he has someone new that he loves and wants to be with, why does he still want a reminder of me? thats all that ring is, a reminder of me. even if he can take his off and put it away, that ring symoblizes me. if hes gonna move in with her, why does he still want that around? does that make any sense to you? cause it sure as hell doesnt make sense to me.
Im sorry if this msg makes zero sense. Im just losing it here. Im really falling apart at the seams and I just didnt know who to talk to without worrying about being judged or hated. I love you.

todays confessions....

I decided to make today a two-fer:




my secret: ever since my ex and I split up for good Ive basically begun dating my best friend. hes the best guy Ive ever known and I am so in love with him I annoy myself. he thinks I tell him everything but Ive been keeping something from him. 2 months ago I slept with my ex. he has a new girlfriend but I did it anyways cause I knew I was the only one he would ever cheat with and because secretly I hoped he would remember how much loved me once. he didnt remember but I still want to do it again.

second confession:
sometimes I really wish I didnt need you in my life so damn much. I know it should make me happy because I know I can depend on you and that you'll be there when I need you but deep down it makes me feel weak and pathetic. Im so afraid that one day your going to wake up and realize you dont want me around again and that your going to leave me. I dont know if I could handle that a second time.

another secret

and now my secret: Ive wanted a family of my own for as long as I can remember, my ex and I tried many times to start a family, and it was never successful. now Im afraid I might be pregnant and if I am, I have no idea who the father is. theres two choices, and neither of them ever wants kids.

postsecret

so if you've never heard of postsecret heres what it is, PostSecret is an ongoing community mail art project, created by Frank Warren, in which people mail their secrets anonymously on a homemade postcard. Select secrets are then posted on the PostSecret website, or used for PostSecret's books or museum exhibits.

The simple concept of the project was that completely anonymous people decorate a postcard and portray a secret that they had never previously revealed. No restrictions are made on the content of the secret; only that it must be completely truthful and must never have been spoken before. Entries range from admissions of sexual misconduct and criminal activity to confessions of secret desires, embarrassing habits, hopes and dreams. The secrets are meant to be both empowering to the author and to those who read it. Frank Warren claims that the postcards are inspirational to those who read them, have healing powers for those who write them, give hope to people who identify with a stranger's secret, and create an anonymous community of acceptance. PostSecret collected and displayed upwards of 2,500 original pieces of art from people across the United States and around the world between its founding on January 1, 2005 and 2007.


I have recently fallen completely in love with this project. I found their facebook fan page and went through every single fan photo (there are currently 1079) and I found a couple dozen that really stood out to me so much so that I saved them. I saved them because I could relate or because I was so envious that someone had the guts to share their secret when I cant share any of mine.

So as my own personal catharsis, I have decided to post one of the secrets I found every couple days followed with one of my own secrets in hopes that I can find some healing, and peace in my life.

lets start here:





now my secret:
when I left it wasnt because I didnt love you anymore or didnt want to be with you, I was just so tired of being the only one fighting to make things work. I wanted to know you thought I was worth fighting for.....guess I got my answer.....

Im just curious....

what do you do when you realize you've found the one....the one who makes you whole, the one who knows you better than you know yourself, the one who can make everything right just by being there. The man you've hoped for, wished for, prayed for, waited for. The man you cant live without. The one you cant go a day without talking to or seeing and when you lose a day with them nothing feels right or good. The other half of your soul. the one that completes you in all the right ways. The man who loves you unconditionaly without fail. The man who loves you and respects you. The one who knows every mistake, every wound, every scar and loves you more for it all. what do you do when you find that?

everyone always talks about the journey it takes to find that one person but they never tell you what to do after you've found them. especially when they arent ready to be the one.


what the hell comes next? shouldnt there be guidelines to go by or something?

oh twilight....you make me a 13 yr old girl again

so its pretty much to come the point that if you dont know anything about the twilight craze your either under the age of comprehenssion or living under a rock somewhere.

I'll admit, Im 22 and I have read all 4 books mulitiple times each and I love them. I never planned on reading them and to be honest I had never even heard of them until I saw the trailer for the very first movie. few days later I was at work and it turned out we were selling the first book. it took about a week and then I finally gave in and started reading it. I'll admit, I couldnt put the damn thing down. I was hooked. I had no desire to see the movie but I wanted to read all the books. and I did. I bought the first one, my ex bought me the second one, my dad bought me the third and my mom bought me the fourth.

I know my first post might make it seem like my ex was the only man Ive loved but in truth, hes not. as emo and prepubescent as this is going to make me seem, thats why I love the series so much. Im not a child who thinks shes known love, Im a grown woman who has known love. and heartache. Im also one of those fools whos fallen in love with more than one person at a time and has had to suffer through something I couldnt control.

the main thing with the whole twilight craze at this point is weather your team jacob or team edward. if your team edward, your for the vampire boyfriend slash fiancee slash eventual eternal husband. if your team jacob, your for the werewolf bestfriend whos known bella longer than edward and whos in love with her and willing to make a fool of his heart by fighting for her even though he knows hes going to lose but keeps fighting because he knows she loves him too, even though it takes her forever to admt it.

I know that feeling. Ive been in love, real love, twice in my life. the first time was with my ex fiancee, the second, my best friend. yea, Im one of those girls whos best friend is a guy. Ive known my "jacob" since we were in middle school. all through high school I always thought hw was such a cutie but he had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend I loved. even when we would fight and break up, I loved him. it wasnt until college that I he and I got really close. he was practically family at that point. we were both going into the same family pretty much. I was engaged and he was room mates with my brother in law to be. we thought it was great. and then he got sick and had to move back home from school. thats when it all changed. we started talking more. he was the one I found myself turning to when me and my "edward" fought or I was unhappy with things. and he was always there to listen to me and let me cry. my ex wasnt perfect and he didnt always treat me right but when things were good, they were really good. but with my best friend, things were better. I could be me, the real me. all the time.

I know its gonna sound strange considering my first post, but...as for the whole twilight thing....and in life......Im team jacob. Jacob is just Jacob. he doesnt pretend to be anything hes not. he wears his heart on his sleeve and is not afraid to fight for what he wants. he loves Bella enough to fight for her. hes always done his best to be there for her. he screwed up once and hurt her, broke her heart and he knew it. he knew he was a jerk, and he did what he could to make up for it. even after she took him back into her life and forgave him for breaking her heart too, he still couldnt help but be a jerk sometimes, but she knew it was just for show, becuase he knew he couldnt win. yea that makes him a bit of an asshole and yea some girls like that. I like that because he isnt afraid to show how he feels. he never is. Edward on the other hand hides these things. hes not willing to show that he'll fight for Bella. she knows he loves her and wants her forever but sometimes you need to hear it, you need to see it. sometimes saying forever isnt enough. sometimes you need to see it.

Edwards also the reason Jacob even came into the picture. if he had never left her, if he had never assumed he knew best for her, she never would have had to turn to Jacob. if kevin had never neglected me and shown me less than the respect I deserved I never would have seen how much joshua had to offer me. how much he does offer me. with kevin it was always about wanting us to be equal but never treating me as an equal. he always wanted to be "boss". always wanted to be over me, to be in charge of me, but yet he couldnt accept me, couldnt accept my faults. joshua can. joshua knows everything about me. knows every mistake Ive made, every scar, every bruise. everything Ive hoped for, feared, wished for, cried for. and he still sticks around. he doesnt pretend I dont have a past the way kevin always did. he accepts that Ive been human and had a past, and he loves me for the future Im capable of.

I know the day I fell in love with him. with joshua. we were at a museum, seeing an exhibit on the human body. and all its wonders. there was a closed off section. it was the part of the exhibit about pregnancy. the thing about this exhibit is that everything in it, every body and bone and muscle used is from an actual cadaver. every piece of that exhibit was once a living, breathing person. every baby, and fetus, was once a life that almost happened. we were with anther friend and they were both worried about me going in to see the pregnancy portion of the exhibit. I left them standing and debating it and walked in. I didnt last long, nor did I think I would. I slipped out when I thought they werent watching me. joshua was of course. he followed me out and found me a few feet away crying silently. he didnt say a word. he knew why I was in tears. he knew I was greiving the children Id wanted so much when another man. he didnt say anything at all. he walked up next to me, put his arm around me and let me cry. he never said a word, until I was done. he just looked me and asked if I was ready to go. can you blame me for falling in love? he fought for me too. he put in the effort to be with me and to show me he cared. kevin never did. all I wanted was for kevin to want me as much I wanted him. for him to fight for me, or at least show me he was willing to. he never was. he just expected me to know.

words arent enough sometimes. sometimes you need more. you need someone who shows they want you around, someone who will call you, make plans with you, hang out with you. someone who will lay in bed with you and just hold while you cry for someone else. someone who loves you and is afraid of it because they dont think theyre good enough. that was me with kevin, and I never expected anyone to feel that way about me, and then joshua came along. I love kevin, even now, but I also love joshua. hes my soul mate, I know that. hes my other half. but even still, even though Im always rooting for team jacob, in the end team edward wins....right? guess I'll just have to wait and see.

just needed to vent I guess

it always seems to go that you want most what you cant have. or what you can never have.

since I was 14 years old, all Ive wanted most out life was to be a wife and mother. more specifically all I wanted was to be his wife and mother to his children.




he is the love of my life. I wanted so badly for him to be the one. I still remember the first time I saw him. I was 14 years old, a freshman in high school and he was in my science class. I wasnt the pretty girl, I wasnt the popular girl, I was just a freshman trying to figure out high school. to be honest I hadnt even noticed him. I didnt see him till my friend told me there was a guy in the back of the class staring. I turned to look and there was this guy just watching us. I thought for sure he was watching my friend and I told her so. and I was so certain until she turned to look at him and told me he was staring at me. I couldnt believe it.

it took me a month or so before I finally got the nerve to talk to him. everyday he would stare at me and I couldnt figure out why. I would see him in the halls and wonder about him more and more everyday. it turned out I knew a few of his friends. finally one day I got the nerve to ask his friend if this guy that always stared at me had a girlfriend. his friend told me he didnt. as he was telling me this, the guy in question drove by and stopped about a block away to wait for his friend. his friend ran off but not before saying he was going to tell him Id asked about him. I was mortified. I walked as fast as I could from the bus stop to my house. about 5 min later a red car pulled up next to me on the sidewalk next to my house. it was him. my staring boy. I couldnt believe what was happening. he rolled down the window and called out to me. I went over and started to talk to him. he opened the door and without thinking (though I probably should have) I got in. he asked if I wanted to go for a drive but getting in his car to sit and talk was about as far as my nerves would take me. I can still remember his voice shaking as he asked if he could call me sometime and trying to laugh as he tore up his backseat looking for a pen and being please that I could have that effect on a boy. it felt incredible taking the pen from his hand and writting my number on his hand. I felt like one of the pretty girls. he called me for the first time that night and I never looked back.

we spent the next 8 years together. he was my everything. I made him the complete center of my world. I would have done anything for him, and I did. everything he asked of me, I said yes. he asked me to be his, I was. he asked me to marry him, I said yes. he asked me to move in with him, I did. he asked me to change who I was and what I believed in and I was ready to. he asked me for children, and I did my best to give him that. I gave him life twice and it was taken from me. nothing in this world has ever hurt more than losing his two children while they were still in my womb. I gave everything I had and more to that man.

Ive loved him since I was 14. all I ever wanted was to spend every day of forever with him. I dont understand why nothing I did was enough for him. why it was so easy to leave me. so easy to neglect me and not love me back. I miss him. he hurt me more than words can ever possibly explain. he broke my heart into a million pieces, and I still love him with every single piece. does that make any sense?

Ive learned that no matter how much I wanted him to be the one, hes not and he never will be. but I still love him. I still dream of being with him and making a life with him. and everyday it kills me more and more to love him the way I do.