since I was 14 years old, all Ive wanted most out life was to be a wife and mother. more specifically all I wanted was to be his wife and mother to his children.
he is the love of my life. I wanted so badly for him to be the one. I still remember the first time I saw him. I was 14 years old, a freshman in high school and he was in my science class. I wasnt the pretty girl, I wasnt the popular girl, I was just a freshman trying to figure out high school. to be honest I hadnt even noticed him. I didnt see him till my friend told me there was a guy in the back of the class staring. I turned to look and there was this guy just watching us. I thought for sure he was watching my friend and I told her so. and I was so certain until she turned to look at him and told me he was staring at me. I couldnt believe it.
it took me a month or so before I finally got the nerve to talk to him. everyday he would stare at me and I couldnt figure out why. I would see him in the halls and wonder about him more and more everyday. it turned out I knew a few of his friends. finally one day I got the nerve to ask his friend if this guy that always stared at me had a girlfriend. his friend told me he didnt. as he was telling me this, the guy in question drove by and stopped about a block away to wait for his friend. his friend ran off but not before saying he was going to tell him Id asked about him. I was mortified. I walked as fast as I could from the bus stop to my house. about 5 min later a red car pulled up next to me on the sidewalk next to my house. it was him. my staring boy. I couldnt believe what was happening. he rolled down the window and called out to me. I went over and started to talk to him. he opened the door and without thinking (though I probably should have) I got in. he asked if I wanted to go for a drive but getting in his car to sit and talk was about as far as my nerves would take me. I can still remember his voice shaking as he asked if he could call me sometime and trying to laugh as he tore up his backseat looking for a pen and being please that I could have that effect on a boy. it felt incredible taking the pen from his hand and writting my number on his hand. I felt like one of the pretty girls. he called me for the first time that night and I never looked back.
we spent the next 8 years together. he was my everything. I made him the complete center of my world. I would have done anything for him, and I did. everything he asked of me, I said yes. he asked me to be his, I was. he asked me to marry him, I said yes. he asked me to move in with him, I did. he asked me to change who I was and what I believed in and I was ready to. he asked me for children, and I did my best to give him that. I gave him life twice and it was taken from me. nothing in this world has ever hurt more than losing his two children while they were still in my womb. I gave everything I had and more to that man.
Ive loved him since I was 14. all I ever wanted was to spend every day of forever with him. I dont understand why nothing I did was enough for him. why it was so easy to leave me. so easy to neglect me and not love me back. I miss him. he hurt me more than words can ever possibly explain. he broke my heart into a million pieces, and I still love him with every single piece. does that make any sense?
Ive learned that no matter how much I wanted him to be the one, hes not and he never will be. but I still love him. I still dream of being with him and making a life with him. and everyday it kills me more and more to love him the way I do.
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