drafts

these are two seperate emails I drafter tonight. I meant to ssend the first one and then I got a call that fucked everything up and made the second one nececassary. the first one was meant for my pastor, the second for my sister. instead of sending them Im posting them here because Im just to exhausted. Im so drained. Im out of energy, out of tears. out of everything:


I know you cant fix me, and I know theres nothing you or anyone else do to make the pain go away but I hurt all the time. I cant stand it anymore. Ive been to hell and back so many times over, one would think I could handle any pain at this point but I cant this is too much. I hurt all the time, and its all I can do to hide the pain, but its getting hard. I just dont care anymore. I try my best to hide it from my friends and people around me and pretend that Im happy with where my life is and that Im looking for someone new and that Im doing my best to move on from my marriage but Im not. Im not happy. Im not moving on. its not that I dont want to, believe me I do. I just cant. Im not there and its killing me.

lately I find myself thinking of my suicide attempt. its been almost 10 years since I tried to end my life and for the first time since then Ive started wishing I hadnt failed. I cant help but think of all the pain it would have saved me from. I know thats wrong and I feel so bad for thinking these things but I cant help it. Im too afraid to ever do it again and I feel too guilty to start hurting myself again. I dont know what to do with this hurt. over 10 years of therapy and none of did me any good.

I dont want to love him anymore. I want to be over him, I want to be able to think of him and not feel myself completely going to pieces. its so hard. I see him being so happy with his new girlfriend and I can feel myself breaking. I cant stop myself from thinking and wondering about why she deserves so much better treatment than I ever got. I start wondering whats so much better about her, what she can give him in the few months shes known him that I couldnt give him in 8 years. I want my heart to be my own again. somedays I even find myself wishing I had never met him and yet if he called me tonight and asked me to take him back I would in a heartbeat. how horrible is that?

I want to be numb. I dont want to feel anything. I know some people say they would rather hurt. I wouldnt. I would much rather feel pure oblivion than what I feel inside right now. I want to drink till I cant remember his name, I want to get so high I dont know how to cry for him, I want to go to bed with every guy I meet just to get his face out of my head. I want to be able to take my fucking meaningless ring off for just one day and not feel completely off balance because its not on my finger. I want oblivion. but Im to scared to find it.

I feel so alone. even a roomful of friends I feel completely isolated. i cant talk to any of my friends about this anymore. Ive cried over him so much to them, they could never understand how I feel. none of them can understand why its so hard for me. I cant even fully understand it.somedays I just feel like I could explode.


Im sorry for all of this. I just dont know where to turn anymore. as much as I say I want oblivion, truth is I just want peace. I want healing. I want to move on and come out whole again. a part of me will always be his and will always hope for a way to make things work and I know that and Im okay with that. he was my first love. he is how I learned to love and what it means. and unfortunatly, I also learned what it doesnt mean. I want to find someone who is worthy of my heart and my love and who can appreciate all the things I have to offer and who wants not his best for me, but God's best for me. I want to find a man who loves me not inspite of my faults but because of them and because they show Im only human and exactly as God meant me to be. I want to find a man who isnt looking for a future version of me. I just wish I knew how to get to a point where I can appreciate that and know what that looks like. I just dont know how to get there and Im so afraid I never will.



second email:


I dont know what to do or think anymore. things with kevin have been wierd and awkward since we broke up and it only got worse after I slept with him but he really makes no senese to me right now.
he cheated on his girlfreind and slept with me. he randomly asks to see me. when we agreed to be friends I told him I just wanted to be able to talk to him but not see him, he didnt listen. he knows I wont say no. he checks up on my on facebook and myspace all the time and if I dont txt him in day he'll msg me looking for me. he called me last night for sex. but yet he cant understand why Im not over him and why some part of me still has hope or why it hurts so damn much when he tells me hes moving in with her. what the hell?! I know all of this is my own fault also but when I told him I wanted to try and be friends I told him I wanted boundries but he knows I wont say no to him.
how can he call me for sex and then 24 hrs later tell me hes over me and wants her? it makes no sense!!! a part of me feels like hes trying to convince himself he loves her and wants her because hes afraid it could never work. he never really tried to make it work. I always fought for us. he never did.
and to be honest I cant help but feel hes only moving in with her because hes broke. for the past weeks hes barely had enough money to feed himself. how the hell is he going to be able to make living with her work? hes worse off than when we lived together.
and she pays for everything vicki! everything! everytime they go out or do anything shes the one who pays. a part of me feels like hes with her because its the exact opposite of what he had with me. she does everything for him, she spoils him, shes willing to settle for his shortcoming and not expect much. I never asked him to spoil me, I never asked him to blow money on me, I just wanted his time but that was too much. I refused to settle for less. I refused to accept mediocore from him when I knew he was capable of so much more. I cant appologize for wanting the best from him. I wont.
I want to be happy. I want to be able to think of him and not feel myself break or burst into tears. yes a part of me will always have hope, a part of me will always belong to him and only him and will forever want to try again but its not fair. why was I so easy to toss aside? what does she have? what can she give him in just a few months that I couldnt give him in 8 years? it hurts so much sister. so very much. Im so depressed and not because of this but because I cant get over him. nothing helps. nothing works. Ive even found myself wishing those pills had worked all those years ago because then I never would have met him and never would have had to suffer through the hell of loving him. even with other men in my life showing me theres so much better out there, I love him. I dont want to love him anymore.
Im trying so hard to be nice to hm and make him understand how I feel and why its so hard for me and hes so angry at me. I never stopped loving him, I never stopped hoping and wishing for a way to make it work. I never stopped picturing him at the end of the aisle waiting for me, crying over how beautiful he thought I looked in my wedding gown. I asked for the promise ring I had given him 3 years ago and hes so mad at me. if he was really over it and if he really wanted her instead of me, why should it be so hard to give me back that ring? that ring was a promise I made to him. that ring and the one he gave me embody everything we were, everything we wanted to for each other together. if hes really moved on, shouldnt it be easy to give me that ring back? obviously those promises dont mean anything anymore, he has someone new that he loves and wants to be with, why does he still want a reminder of me? thats all that ring is, a reminder of me. even if he can take his off and put it away, that ring symoblizes me. if hes gonna move in with her, why does he still want that around? does that make any sense to you? cause it sure as hell doesnt make sense to me.
Im sorry if this msg makes zero sense. Im just losing it here. Im really falling apart at the seams and I just didnt know who to talk to without worrying about being judged or hated. I love you.