oh man...

so it finally happened. I finally found peace of mind and closure with my marriage. I can honestly say that I am over my ex husband. a part of me is always going to love him and is always going to belong to him and miss him but Im over it. I can move on now. so of course you can imagine my sheer excitement when I find this really cute guy at church who is amazingly attractive in so many ways. but of course theres one small problem. I dont have the guts to talk to him. I spaz everytime I see him. it sucks. and to make things worse we've gotten into this game of staring at each other before, during and after service but never talking to each other. ever. I stare at him and then look away reall fast when he looks my direction. he stares at me and then looks away really fast when I catch him staring. normally I would actually find this cute cause Im wierd like that but its not cute this time. it reminds me of my ex husband. thats how we started out. he would stare at me from across the room in my science class my freshman year of high school. he would stare at in my class, in the halls, at lunch. it was nice. I felt so flattered that this guy, this SENIOR, was staring at me or better yet, that he found me interesting enough to stare at me. it took over a month before we finally talked to each other. 8 years later, here we are.


I dont want to take that long again. I want to find a man, a man of God. a man I can share my faith with and grow in Christ together with. I want to get married and have a Christian marriage and family. I just dont know how Im ever going to get there if I cant even talk to the cute boy at church! ugh.....this sucks.

Jeremy Christensen-Hallelujah

my friend jeremy singing one of my favorite songs.
this guy has the most amazing voice Ive heard in so long. hes is so amazingly talented! I cant wait to see him make it to the big times! :)

Parachute - She Is Love Acoustic Version

I've been beaten down, Ive been kicked around,
But she takes it all for me.
And I've lost my faith, in my darkest days,
But she makes me want to believe.

They call her love, love, love, love, love
They call her love, love, love, love, love
She is love, and she is all I need

Well I had my ways, they were all in vain,
But she waited patiently.
It was all the same, all my pride and shame,
And she put me on my feet.

They call her love, love, love, love, love
They call her love, love, love, love, love
They call her love, love, love, love, love
She is love, and she is all I need.

And when that world slows down, dear.
And when those stars burn out, here.
Oh she'll be there, yes she'll be there,
They call her love, love, love, love, love
They call her love, love, love, love, love
They call her love, love, love, love, love

She is love, she is all I need,
She is love, she is all I need,
She is love, she is all I need.

Kate Voegele Manhattan from the sky lyrics

.....its not fair

the very worst part of being in love with your best friend? theres no one to talk to when he breaks your heart. your completely on your own. theres no one to hold your hand or hug you while you cry. and its that much worse knowing that the only person who could make you feel better is the reason your such a mess.



Im falling apart and I have no one. as stupid, and childish as it sounds, its not fair. Im so tired of falling in love with men who dont love me back. I tired of giving the best of myself to someone who cant even see whats staring them in the face.


when am I going to get my happy ending? Im getting tired of waiting. it hurts too much.

patience

I wish you could see the way you look through my eyes
I wish you could see the comfort I find in your smile
I wish others could see you through my eyes
I wish they could feel the way I do when you walk into a room

I don’t think you realize just how much you mean to me
No matter what you say, the truth is you don’t have a clue.

I found something in you long ago, that Ive never found anywhere else
Something I don’t think I ever could find anyplace else.
I found my other half.

No one makes me feel the way you do.
I never feel quite as safe, quite as happy, quite as calm
I wish you knew how it feels when you’re near me.
Every ounce of tension, every bit of stress, melts away when I see your face
Breathing you in is all it takes.

I used to think his was the only scent that could intoxicate me
As with so many other things, I was wrong.
The smell of your skin, so close to mine, is the sweetest perfume I know

I wish you could see what I see when you walk into a room
I don’t see through you, I see right to your core

I know things no one else possibly could
I know how afraid you are of being hurt
I know that if given the chance you would never hurt me
Given the chance, you could be happy

I’m not sure when , but at some point in time I fell in love with you
Real love. True love.
The kind of love that even time would stop and be still for

You’re just as human as anyone
You make the same mistakes so many others have in human history
You need to learn your own way, just like the others
I don’t love you despite you imperfections, in fact I love you more for them

I wish you could see the way you look through my eyes
I wish you could see me the way I see you

I used to think I could wait a lifetime for that to happen
I was wrong

But as someone else once said, unfinished business always comes back to haunt you
Maybe one day, I’ll haunt you
It would only be fair
For you haunt me every day

You’re in my every thought, my every spoken word, my every movement
you are a fixed mark upon my heart.

I’m done
I’m done waiting for you to finally open your eyes and see
Every dream, every fleeting thought, every fleeting feeling of lightening
They were all right
They were all pointing to one thing

Me


I can only hope that one day I’ll haunt you the way you haunt me

Until then, I’ll keep loving you till it finally runs out just as my patience has.

well Ive decided

Im tired of being the back up plan. Im tired of always being every guys plan B. Im the girl that gets called when things dont work out and they're hard up. Im tired of it. I dont know if Im ready to be the plan A girl, but ready or not Im done being the back up. I just cant do it anymore. its killing me. I dont know if I have anything left to offer but I'll never find out this way.


ready or not, here I go.....

do you remember

be ok...

I had something happen to me tonight that hasnt happened in almost 8 years. I found myself staring at a man that wasnt you and I felt butterflies and more than that; it felt right. I didnt feel guilty, I didnt want to cry. it felt so good to have that feeling. to get nervous looking at him, to get even more nervous when he looked at me. now I dont know what he was thinking when he saw me but it really doesnt matter to me right now. what matters is that even though this month sucks for me for reasons only you can understand, and even though I feel a stab of pain everytime I glance at the calendar, slowly but surely Im getting past it. Im dealing with the pain and Im dealing with the crap and I know that Lord has more in store for me than this. you are someone that was supposed to be in life and who was supposed to be there to help me learn some of the hardest lessons I'll ever learn and I'll probably never be able to stop loving you completely but Ive accepted that. I do feel blessed for the time we had together and the lessons we learned and you will never fully understand how grateful I am for the strength you gave me to overcome the worst demons in my past. you loved me and showed me that some men can be trusted, not every man is going to hurt me and violate me. you showed me that I am worthy of care and tenderness, and that means more to me than anything else. I can stand and say that the things that happened to me are not my fault and mean it. I can think about it and not feel afraid. you gave me that. you helped me find that power and control and I thank you for that everyday weather you know it or not. I love you kevin, and yes the days and weeks ahead are going to be tough on me and they are going to hurt but I'll survive.



Im going to be ok.

random thoughts

I still remember the first time you told me you loved me. it was exactly 8 days after I had given myself to you. you were holding me, and we both had the scents of a day spent in the sun on us. nothing had smelled so good to me as your skin that night. you were holding me in your arms and we were dancing. though to be honest Im not sure we could call it dancing. mostly it was just the two of us wrapped in each others arms swaying to our own beat. you were staring at me, as always and I cant help but remembering how very safe I felt. Here was a man, I barely knew btu I knew deep inside that you would never hurt me. At the moment I was so sure of myself. so sure of you. and right there, amongst a crowd of strangers, you looked me in the eye and told me you loved me. I had never been so terrified. I had no idea what to say. I was afriad to hurt you and I think somewhere inside I felt it was something I might feel one day so it wasnt so bad if I said it back. so I did. I told you I loved you too and in that moment when the words were out of my mouth and across my lips I realized how very true those words were. that deep inside I was already in love with you and I realize now that I knew long before that. I feel in love with you the moment I caught you watching me. Ive been in love with you since that moment. I dont know if I'll ever stop loving you. Im not sure I can. I gave myself to you, all of me. that day, so many years ago I gave myself completely to you and I never wanted any of it back. I still dont. All Ive wanted since I was 14 was to be your wife and family. to give you a family. to give you life the way you gave me life. you taught me what it meant to love and in that love you gave me life. you showed me how to live. life is not worth living without love. all i ever wanted to do was thank you for that and give you what you had given me. I tried so hard to give you everything you wanted and to make you as happy as you made me. but it never seemed to be enough. why wasnt it enough? what did I do wrong? I rack my bran constantly trying to figure out where we went wrong.

I miss you so much. I miss your strong arms around me and how safe and secure I felt. your arms have always been the safest place I know. It kills me to think she might feel that way now. that was my place. it should still be mine. I miss holding your hand. my hands are so very tiny but yet they always fit so well in yours. I loved that every time we went anywhere you would hold my hand and people always knew I was yours and you were mine. I miss laying in bed with you laughing and being a dork and knowing it didnt matter what dumb or sill things I said or did, because you loved me anyway and you wanted me no matter what. I miss everything about you. I miss talking to you, laying with my head on your chest listening to your heartbeat hearing you breathe, I miss talking about the life we wanted together, talking about children, starting a family, making a life together. I miss the certainty I thought we had. I miss feeling secure and safe and loved. you were all I ever wanted. I dont know what to do without you. I dont know how to function. I dont know how to live.

I still love you kevin. I always will.