random thoughts

I still remember the first time you told me you loved me. it was exactly 8 days after I had given myself to you. you were holding me, and we both had the scents of a day spent in the sun on us. nothing had smelled so good to me as your skin that night. you were holding me in your arms and we were dancing. though to be honest Im not sure we could call it dancing. mostly it was just the two of us wrapped in each others arms swaying to our own beat. you were staring at me, as always and I cant help but remembering how very safe I felt. Here was a man, I barely knew btu I knew deep inside that you would never hurt me. At the moment I was so sure of myself. so sure of you. and right there, amongst a crowd of strangers, you looked me in the eye and told me you loved me. I had never been so terrified. I had no idea what to say. I was afriad to hurt you and I think somewhere inside I felt it was something I might feel one day so it wasnt so bad if I said it back. so I did. I told you I loved you too and in that moment when the words were out of my mouth and across my lips I realized how very true those words were. that deep inside I was already in love with you and I realize now that I knew long before that. I feel in love with you the moment I caught you watching me. Ive been in love with you since that moment. I dont know if I'll ever stop loving you. Im not sure I can. I gave myself to you, all of me. that day, so many years ago I gave myself completely to you and I never wanted any of it back. I still dont. All Ive wanted since I was 14 was to be your wife and family. to give you a family. to give you life the way you gave me life. you taught me what it meant to love and in that love you gave me life. you showed me how to live. life is not worth living without love. all i ever wanted to do was thank you for that and give you what you had given me. I tried so hard to give you everything you wanted and to make you as happy as you made me. but it never seemed to be enough. why wasnt it enough? what did I do wrong? I rack my bran constantly trying to figure out where we went wrong.

I miss you so much. I miss your strong arms around me and how safe and secure I felt. your arms have always been the safest place I know. It kills me to think she might feel that way now. that was my place. it should still be mine. I miss holding your hand. my hands are so very tiny but yet they always fit so well in yours. I loved that every time we went anywhere you would hold my hand and people always knew I was yours and you were mine. I miss laying in bed with you laughing and being a dork and knowing it didnt matter what dumb or sill things I said or did, because you loved me anyway and you wanted me no matter what. I miss everything about you. I miss talking to you, laying with my head on your chest listening to your heartbeat hearing you breathe, I miss talking about the life we wanted together, talking about children, starting a family, making a life together. I miss the certainty I thought we had. I miss feeling secure and safe and loved. you were all I ever wanted. I dont know what to do without you. I dont know how to function. I dont know how to live.

I still love you kevin. I always will.