love it, love it, love it

I sit here on the stairs
And listen to the night time as the daylight fades away
Such a haunting and familiar tune
when I hear it in the distance I could say
that I'm home

Massachusetts
Where my daughters and my wife they wait for me
All alone
But the truth is
It's where I always am, it's where I long to be
Because I'm home

The north shore is where my father lives
I wear my Red Sox hat around the world with pride
But the Berkshires are where my heart is
And when I see them in the distance I could cry
Because I'm home

Massachusetts
Where my daughters and my wife they wait for me
And where my friends don't treat me different
Its where my family is, its where I'll always stay
Because I'm home


Massachusetts
Where my teacher teaches classes everyday
And where my friends don't treat me different
Its where my family is, its where I'll always stay
Because I'm home

oh man...

so it finally happened. I finally found peace of mind and closure with my marriage. I can honestly say that I am over my ex husband. a part of me is always going to love him and is always going to belong to him and miss him but Im over it. I can move on now. so of course you can imagine my sheer excitement when I find this really cute guy at church who is amazingly attractive in so many ways. but of course theres one small problem. I dont have the guts to talk to him. I spaz everytime I see him. it sucks. and to make things worse we've gotten into this game of staring at each other before, during and after service but never talking to each other. ever. I stare at him and then look away reall fast when he looks my direction. he stares at me and then looks away really fast when I catch him staring. normally I would actually find this cute cause Im wierd like that but its not cute this time. it reminds me of my ex husband. thats how we started out. he would stare at me from across the room in my science class my freshman year of high school. he would stare at in my class, in the halls, at lunch. it was nice. I felt so flattered that this guy, this SENIOR, was staring at me or better yet, that he found me interesting enough to stare at me. it took over a month before we finally talked to each other. 8 years later, here we are.


I dont want to take that long again. I want to find a man, a man of God. a man I can share my faith with and grow in Christ together with. I want to get married and have a Christian marriage and family. I just dont know how Im ever going to get there if I cant even talk to the cute boy at church! ugh.....this sucks.

Jeremy Christensen-Hallelujah

my friend jeremy singing one of my favorite songs.
this guy has the most amazing voice Ive heard in so long. hes is so amazingly talented! I cant wait to see him make it to the big times! :)

Parachute - She Is Love Acoustic Version

I've been beaten down, Ive been kicked around,
But she takes it all for me.
And I've lost my faith, in my darkest days,
But she makes me want to believe.

They call her love, love, love, love, love
They call her love, love, love, love, love
She is love, and she is all I need

Well I had my ways, they were all in vain,
But she waited patiently.
It was all the same, all my pride and shame,
And she put me on my feet.

They call her love, love, love, love, love
They call her love, love, love, love, love
They call her love, love, love, love, love
She is love, and she is all I need.

And when that world slows down, dear.
And when those stars burn out, here.
Oh she'll be there, yes she'll be there,
They call her love, love, love, love, love
They call her love, love, love, love, love
They call her love, love, love, love, love

She is love, she is all I need,
She is love, she is all I need,
She is love, she is all I need.

Kate Voegele Manhattan from the sky lyrics

.....its not fair

the very worst part of being in love with your best friend? theres no one to talk to when he breaks your heart. your completely on your own. theres no one to hold your hand or hug you while you cry. and its that much worse knowing that the only person who could make you feel better is the reason your such a mess.



Im falling apart and I have no one. as stupid, and childish as it sounds, its not fair. Im so tired of falling in love with men who dont love me back. I tired of giving the best of myself to someone who cant even see whats staring them in the face.


when am I going to get my happy ending? Im getting tired of waiting. it hurts too much.

patience

I wish you could see the way you look through my eyes
I wish you could see the comfort I find in your smile
I wish others could see you through my eyes
I wish they could feel the way I do when you walk into a room

I don’t think you realize just how much you mean to me
No matter what you say, the truth is you don’t have a clue.

I found something in you long ago, that Ive never found anywhere else
Something I don’t think I ever could find anyplace else.
I found my other half.

No one makes me feel the way you do.
I never feel quite as safe, quite as happy, quite as calm
I wish you knew how it feels when you’re near me.
Every ounce of tension, every bit of stress, melts away when I see your face
Breathing you in is all it takes.

I used to think his was the only scent that could intoxicate me
As with so many other things, I was wrong.
The smell of your skin, so close to mine, is the sweetest perfume I know

I wish you could see what I see when you walk into a room
I don’t see through you, I see right to your core

I know things no one else possibly could
I know how afraid you are of being hurt
I know that if given the chance you would never hurt me
Given the chance, you could be happy

I’m not sure when , but at some point in time I fell in love with you
Real love. True love.
The kind of love that even time would stop and be still for

You’re just as human as anyone
You make the same mistakes so many others have in human history
You need to learn your own way, just like the others
I don’t love you despite you imperfections, in fact I love you more for them

I wish you could see the way you look through my eyes
I wish you could see me the way I see you

I used to think I could wait a lifetime for that to happen
I was wrong

But as someone else once said, unfinished business always comes back to haunt you
Maybe one day, I’ll haunt you
It would only be fair
For you haunt me every day

You’re in my every thought, my every spoken word, my every movement
you are a fixed mark upon my heart.

I’m done
I’m done waiting for you to finally open your eyes and see
Every dream, every fleeting thought, every fleeting feeling of lightening
They were all right
They were all pointing to one thing

Me


I can only hope that one day I’ll haunt you the way you haunt me

Until then, I’ll keep loving you till it finally runs out just as my patience has.

well Ive decided

Im tired of being the back up plan. Im tired of always being every guys plan B. Im the girl that gets called when things dont work out and they're hard up. Im tired of it. I dont know if Im ready to be the plan A girl, but ready or not Im done being the back up. I just cant do it anymore. its killing me. I dont know if I have anything left to offer but I'll never find out this way.


ready or not, here I go.....

do you remember

be ok...

I had something happen to me tonight that hasnt happened in almost 8 years. I found myself staring at a man that wasnt you and I felt butterflies and more than that; it felt right. I didnt feel guilty, I didnt want to cry. it felt so good to have that feeling. to get nervous looking at him, to get even more nervous when he looked at me. now I dont know what he was thinking when he saw me but it really doesnt matter to me right now. what matters is that even though this month sucks for me for reasons only you can understand, and even though I feel a stab of pain everytime I glance at the calendar, slowly but surely Im getting past it. Im dealing with the pain and Im dealing with the crap and I know that Lord has more in store for me than this. you are someone that was supposed to be in life and who was supposed to be there to help me learn some of the hardest lessons I'll ever learn and I'll probably never be able to stop loving you completely but Ive accepted that. I do feel blessed for the time we had together and the lessons we learned and you will never fully understand how grateful I am for the strength you gave me to overcome the worst demons in my past. you loved me and showed me that some men can be trusted, not every man is going to hurt me and violate me. you showed me that I am worthy of care and tenderness, and that means more to me than anything else. I can stand and say that the things that happened to me are not my fault and mean it. I can think about it and not feel afraid. you gave me that. you helped me find that power and control and I thank you for that everyday weather you know it or not. I love you kevin, and yes the days and weeks ahead are going to be tough on me and they are going to hurt but I'll survive.



Im going to be ok.

random thoughts

I still remember the first time you told me you loved me. it was exactly 8 days after I had given myself to you. you were holding me, and we both had the scents of a day spent in the sun on us. nothing had smelled so good to me as your skin that night. you were holding me in your arms and we were dancing. though to be honest Im not sure we could call it dancing. mostly it was just the two of us wrapped in each others arms swaying to our own beat. you were staring at me, as always and I cant help but remembering how very safe I felt. Here was a man, I barely knew btu I knew deep inside that you would never hurt me. At the moment I was so sure of myself. so sure of you. and right there, amongst a crowd of strangers, you looked me in the eye and told me you loved me. I had never been so terrified. I had no idea what to say. I was afriad to hurt you and I think somewhere inside I felt it was something I might feel one day so it wasnt so bad if I said it back. so I did. I told you I loved you too and in that moment when the words were out of my mouth and across my lips I realized how very true those words were. that deep inside I was already in love with you and I realize now that I knew long before that. I feel in love with you the moment I caught you watching me. Ive been in love with you since that moment. I dont know if I'll ever stop loving you. Im not sure I can. I gave myself to you, all of me. that day, so many years ago I gave myself completely to you and I never wanted any of it back. I still dont. All Ive wanted since I was 14 was to be your wife and family. to give you a family. to give you life the way you gave me life. you taught me what it meant to love and in that love you gave me life. you showed me how to live. life is not worth living without love. all i ever wanted to do was thank you for that and give you what you had given me. I tried so hard to give you everything you wanted and to make you as happy as you made me. but it never seemed to be enough. why wasnt it enough? what did I do wrong? I rack my bran constantly trying to figure out where we went wrong.

I miss you so much. I miss your strong arms around me and how safe and secure I felt. your arms have always been the safest place I know. It kills me to think she might feel that way now. that was my place. it should still be mine. I miss holding your hand. my hands are so very tiny but yet they always fit so well in yours. I loved that every time we went anywhere you would hold my hand and people always knew I was yours and you were mine. I miss laying in bed with you laughing and being a dork and knowing it didnt matter what dumb or sill things I said or did, because you loved me anyway and you wanted me no matter what. I miss everything about you. I miss talking to you, laying with my head on your chest listening to your heartbeat hearing you breathe, I miss talking about the life we wanted together, talking about children, starting a family, making a life together. I miss the certainty I thought we had. I miss feeling secure and safe and loved. you were all I ever wanted. I dont know what to do without you. I dont know how to function. I dont know how to live.

I still love you kevin. I always will.

the perfect song

Lyrics to Right Here :
I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending it's as much as i can take
and you're so independent
you just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you

Why can't you just forgive me
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way
But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting




the first time I saw Kevin was when I walked into my freshman science class in 2002.
"Right Here" by Staind was released as the first single of the bands cd 'Chapter V' in 2005. By the time this song came out I was head over heels in love with him. Staind was the only band we ever agreed on. Ever. in the almost 8 years that Ive known him this has always been the one band whos music we loved to share. I loved hearing this song with him but I loved it even more when I was in the car alone. I could be having the worst day and I would turn up the radio and this song would come on and everything that was bringing me down didnt bother me so much anymore. this song would light me up from the inside out. I would think of him, his face, his smile, his touch, his kiss, and I would think how perfect this song was for us but truth is I never paid much attention to the words. all I knew was that no matter what he always knew just what to say or do to keep me hooked and to keep waiting for him and hoping for forever.

I still love this band, I still find myself thinking of their songs whenever something happens and always picking out the perfect one to embody the moment, but I cant bring myself to play the songs. I cant stand to hear these songs I once loved so much. it hurts more than I can ever posisbly explain. I feel my heart tearing. and it hurts more because I know he can listen to it without even flinching and that when these songs, possibly the very one above, come on the radio when hes in the car with her, hes holding her hand while he sings along off key, not mine. that thought kills me.

for the first time in a long time I took a long hard look at these lyrics and I realize now just how perfect they really are. Kevin was right. I didnt give him a chance to show me how much he had changed. I was so hurt and so afraid of being hurt again I couldnt stop and look for change I was just waiting for the same mistakes. I was all to ready to through his mistakes in his face. but no matter what I did to drive him away, I was always waiting for him, I still am. I dont blame him for the choices hes made and I probably would have done the same thing had been in his place but I still love him. very, very slowly Im finding peace but the fact is deep down Im still waiting. I dont know if he knows what hes doing to me when he talks to me but he always says just the right thing to keep me waiting. just the right words to keep me hoping. sometimes it makes me angry and I feel like its not fair for him to do this to me cause I suspect he knows what hes doing but at the same time I dont want him to stop.

my parents have been divorced for 15 years. if they had never divorced, today, August 24, 2010 would have been their 25th wedding anniversary. my parents are getting remarried, to each other, March 26, 2011. they have been together (off and on granted) for 28 years. thats more than half their lives. that knowlage terrifies me. I dont want to find myself in thier place 20 years from now. I dont want to find myself still clinging to something that may not be meant to be. I want to do it and get it right once. I want to celebrate a 25th anniversary with a husband, not an ex husband who Im going to remarry. I want to spend my 25th anniversary renewing my still intact vows, not having to repeat them as though for the first time. Im scared. Im scared Im never going to get it right. Im scared that we're going to be caught in this vicious circle forever. Im afraid that we did have it right but that we were just too stupid to know it and because of that we didnt really deserve it in the first place. Im just so afraid....

catchy little tune

Silver moons and paper dreams
Faded maps and shiny things
You're my favorite one-man show
A million different ways to go

Will you fly me away?
Take me away with you, my love

Painted scenes, I'm up all night
Slaying monsters, flying kites
Speak to me in foreign tongues
And share your secrets one by one

Will you fly me away?
Take me away with you, my love

Can hardly think what life was like
Before I had you by my side
Can't say what I'd do without you
Knowing what it's like to have you

Hidden walkways back in time
Endless stories, lover's crime
In my mind, I've been set free
We'll take this journey, you and me

Will you fly me away?
Take me away with you, my love

people always leave

I had a date today. Im not sure how real it was but it was a date. To me a "real" date is when the guys comes over, picks up the girl, takes her out for a few hours and spends time with her doing something they both enjoy out somewhere and then takes her home and maybe kisses her goodbye or something equally meaningful. I didnt get picked up. I did go out and meet a guy for a few hours and spend time with him. I hated the movie we watched but I liked spending time with him. but something happened and Im still not sure I enjoyed it.

while we at the movies. sitting in the dark, he reached over and took my hand. and he held it. I havnt held hands with someone in months. the only man Ive held hands with is my ex. hes the only one. it makes no sense. I cheated on him. I did. many times. I let other men touch me and use me and disrespect me and after all of that I would come home and clean up and be his. I let these other men kiss me, touch me, put their hands and mouths on me. I let them fuck me. but never once did I let any of them hold my hand. it makes no sense I know. one would think that there was more intimacy in fucking than in holding someones hand, right? wrong. well for me anyway.

when I fucked other men, I wasnt looking for intimacy, I wasnt looking for love. I was looking for attention. I wanted to be wanted, to be noticed, to be desired. I wanted all the things I wasnt getting from my ex. he was never around. the only time he made time for me was when he wanted sex. he was no different than the rest except for the fact that he gave me the title. he made me his. and when we did actually go out, he staked a claim on me. it didnt matter where we were or what we were doing. he always held my hand. everywhere. the grocery store, the pet store, the beach, to dinner, to the movies, church, his parents house, my parents house, my grandmas house. everywhere. that was more intimate to me than any sex act in the book. to me that showed me that he wasnt afraid of letting anyone know I was his. that he wanted the world to know. holding his hand, no matter how bad things were between us, always made me feel safe. made me feel I belonged somewhere. my hands are tiny. I know that. his hands were so much bigger than mine, but my hand in his was always a perfect fit. always. I always loved that. and at one point so did he. it let me know I belonged and that I was doing the right thing by staying with him. that we belonged together.

today wasnt a perfect fit. it was strange and awkward and unfamiliar. and it bothered me. one becuase it felt so wrong. and so strange but also becuase I felt guilty. I did. I know it makes no sense but I did, I felt so very guilty. and then I was mad. because he doesnt care. he didnt feel guilty when he started holding her hand. he didnt even think twice. it didnt matter to him. because she wasnt me and thats all that mattered. but no matter how much I tried to convince myself that it wasnt wrong and that I shouldnt feel bad, I still did.

and then I get home. I really do hate this century. I hate all the advances in technology. I hate that anything and anyone is just a click away. I saw his page. I saw his page and he was using the lyrics from OUR song, OURS, MINE AND HIS to talk about her. that stupid bitch that gets to call him hers. I gave him everything. my heart, my body, my youth, my innocence, my trust! and he would dare to use those words for her. what has she given him?! a distraction?!

I would have given him the world if I had had the power to. its not fair you know. its not fair that I could have the capicity to love this way and to waste it on men who dont love me. its not fair to me, and its not fair to the men who could love me.

I just want to belong again. I want to feel loved and safe and secure. I want to hold his hand and feel like Ive found my place in the world. I just want to be whole again.

and for today

words can not express how perfect this one is to me

just needed to rant.

"ill never move on i just distract myself alot.. You were always good enough for me. Ive always taken you as you are"

I can not believe that at one point I acctually fell for this line. I was so stupid. I cant believe I ever thought it was meant to be or that he really wanted me for keeps. i try so hard every single day to free myself of my love for him. to try and move on and somedays I really think Im making progress and then I find time. time to think. time to re-analyze every word, every touch, every thought, every action. and then I cry. the fact that I can still cry over him hurts almost as much as anything else.

somedays Im grateful to him for the things he gave me. he showed me that there were some men out there I could trust. I could let down the walls and not everything would go to hell. (well not right away anyway). he showed me that I have an incredible capacity for love. before I met him I never would have believed it was possible to love like I have. I gave every bit of myself to him, even the parts I knew I could never get back once given. He showed me what it meant to be selfless and to put someone else's feelings and needs before my own. he showed what it meant to be loved, to be wanted, and needed, and cherished (even if it was only for a second).

somedays I really do feel that way. most days though, I just want to go back in time and stop myself from ever talking to him in that hallway. I could have saved myself a world of pain and so many tears. I wish I could back to the times when we were broken up and give myself the courage to find someone else and take a true interest in them, if I had maybe I could have discovered a long time ago that there are some men out there who could love me so much better, and more fully than he could. He took so much from me, and I honestly feel like I got very little back. ours was never an equal relationship. I never got as much as I gave. I got complaints and gripes about the "sacrifices" I forced him to make for me. when your with someone in that kind of relationship, every word you tell each other should speak life into the other person. every word should be filled with love and concern for the other best interest. I dont feel like every word that crossed his lips spoke life into me. Im sure not all of mine did either but I tried my best to always speak life into him. I never wanted to hurt him and I did everything in my power to ever avoid causing him pain or hurt. he never showed me even an ounce of that consideration.

looking back, it just hurts. and its so tiring and exhausting. there are some moments I do enjoy revisiting in my mind and playing over and over again. our first kiss. the first time he told me he loved me. the first time I realized I loved him. the times I found myself falling in love all over again. the times he was there when no one else was. laying in his arms that first night in our apartment. sitting in his car with my head in his lap staring into the night sky talking about the family we dreamed of with each other and talking about babies. holding his niece and playing with her then looking up to see the sweetest smile stretched across his lips and almost being able to see the image of me with our own child reflected in his eyes. driving in his car with my hand in his. walking with my hand in his. I dont mean to make it sound like there were no good times. there were many, but no amount of good times can erase the heartache Ive suffered. still suffer.

I feel so used. I worry sometimes that he took the best out of me and that theres nothing left to offer anyone else. I worry that one day Im going to meet some guy who stirs something in me but I'll have nothing to offer except a battered and abused heart. what if Im right? what if theres nothing good left? Im only 22 and Im already damaged goods. how is it fair to pawn that off on anyone else? I was broken when he met me and I thought he had fixed me and would keep me whole forever. he promised me he would. his promises were nothing but empty words. Im worse off now than when I met him and he can not say the same. how is that fair?

its been a while but heres a new confession

I dont know how else to say it. Im terrified. I am well aware of the fact that I am still very much in love with my ex and that its going to be a while before I fall out of love with him and before Im fully over him, if ever, but I think Im really starting to like someone. hes nice and funny and sweet and understanding and paitient. hes so different than what Im used to. Im so scared. I really like him and I wish I could offer him more than friendship but Im so afraid that I'll end up hurting him or that I'll screw it all up like I always do. I dont know what to do.

deviating

ok, so as hokey as its going to sound, christina aguilera is one of my favorite singers and I just heard this song off her latest album and I absolutly fell in love with it. its an amazing song and it makes me feel like someone else out there knows what its like to be neglected and betrayed by the one person you once held above all others.










"you lost me"

I am done, smoking gun
We've lost it all, the love is gone
She has won, now it's no fun
We've lost it all, the love is gone

And we had magic
And this is tragic
You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We've found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

And we tried, oh how we cried
We lost ourselves, the love has died
And though we tried you can't deny
We're left as shells, we lost the fight

And we had magic
And this is tragic
You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We've found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

Now I know you're sorry and we were sweet
But you chose lust when you deceived me
And you'll regret it, but it's too late
How can I ever trust you again?

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We've found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

the truth? he think I sleep with guys as a coping mechanism, the truth is I do it because even though they may only want me for one thing, at least they want me. he doesnt. and everytime I find myself in someones bed with his hands all over me and his face inches away from mine, I dont have his face in my head. everytime I fuck someone I hope it will fuck the thought him and me together out of my head but it never does. the thoughts always come back, so I keep going back to these men.

I dont need to share anything other than...

yea, pretty much

my biggest fear right now is that I'll never get over you and I'll never find happiness and while Im dying inside you'll be living the life we should have had togehter with her. I dont even know her but I hate her for that.

drafts

these are two seperate emails I drafter tonight. I meant to ssend the first one and then I got a call that fucked everything up and made the second one nececassary. the first one was meant for my pastor, the second for my sister. instead of sending them Im posting them here because Im just to exhausted. Im so drained. Im out of energy, out of tears. out of everything:


I know you cant fix me, and I know theres nothing you or anyone else do to make the pain go away but I hurt all the time. I cant stand it anymore. Ive been to hell and back so many times over, one would think I could handle any pain at this point but I cant this is too much. I hurt all the time, and its all I can do to hide the pain, but its getting hard. I just dont care anymore. I try my best to hide it from my friends and people around me and pretend that Im happy with where my life is and that Im looking for someone new and that Im doing my best to move on from my marriage but Im not. Im not happy. Im not moving on. its not that I dont want to, believe me I do. I just cant. Im not there and its killing me.

lately I find myself thinking of my suicide attempt. its been almost 10 years since I tried to end my life and for the first time since then Ive started wishing I hadnt failed. I cant help but think of all the pain it would have saved me from. I know thats wrong and I feel so bad for thinking these things but I cant help it. Im too afraid to ever do it again and I feel too guilty to start hurting myself again. I dont know what to do with this hurt. over 10 years of therapy and none of did me any good.

I dont want to love him anymore. I want to be over him, I want to be able to think of him and not feel myself completely going to pieces. its so hard. I see him being so happy with his new girlfriend and I can feel myself breaking. I cant stop myself from thinking and wondering about why she deserves so much better treatment than I ever got. I start wondering whats so much better about her, what she can give him in the few months shes known him that I couldnt give him in 8 years. I want my heart to be my own again. somedays I even find myself wishing I had never met him and yet if he called me tonight and asked me to take him back I would in a heartbeat. how horrible is that?

I want to be numb. I dont want to feel anything. I know some people say they would rather hurt. I wouldnt. I would much rather feel pure oblivion than what I feel inside right now. I want to drink till I cant remember his name, I want to get so high I dont know how to cry for him, I want to go to bed with every guy I meet just to get his face out of my head. I want to be able to take my fucking meaningless ring off for just one day and not feel completely off balance because its not on my finger. I want oblivion. but Im to scared to find it.

I feel so alone. even a roomful of friends I feel completely isolated. i cant talk to any of my friends about this anymore. Ive cried over him so much to them, they could never understand how I feel. none of them can understand why its so hard for me. I cant even fully understand it.somedays I just feel like I could explode.


Im sorry for all of this. I just dont know where to turn anymore. as much as I say I want oblivion, truth is I just want peace. I want healing. I want to move on and come out whole again. a part of me will always be his and will always hope for a way to make things work and I know that and Im okay with that. he was my first love. he is how I learned to love and what it means. and unfortunatly, I also learned what it doesnt mean. I want to find someone who is worthy of my heart and my love and who can appreciate all the things I have to offer and who wants not his best for me, but God's best for me. I want to find a man who loves me not inspite of my faults but because of them and because they show Im only human and exactly as God meant me to be. I want to find a man who isnt looking for a future version of me. I just wish I knew how to get to a point where I can appreciate that and know what that looks like. I just dont know how to get there and Im so afraid I never will.



second email:


I dont know what to do or think anymore. things with kevin have been wierd and awkward since we broke up and it only got worse after I slept with him but he really makes no senese to me right now.
he cheated on his girlfreind and slept with me. he randomly asks to see me. when we agreed to be friends I told him I just wanted to be able to talk to him but not see him, he didnt listen. he knows I wont say no. he checks up on my on facebook and myspace all the time and if I dont txt him in day he'll msg me looking for me. he called me last night for sex. but yet he cant understand why Im not over him and why some part of me still has hope or why it hurts so damn much when he tells me hes moving in with her. what the hell?! I know all of this is my own fault also but when I told him I wanted to try and be friends I told him I wanted boundries but he knows I wont say no to him.
how can he call me for sex and then 24 hrs later tell me hes over me and wants her? it makes no sense!!! a part of me feels like hes trying to convince himself he loves her and wants her because hes afraid it could never work. he never really tried to make it work. I always fought for us. he never did.
and to be honest I cant help but feel hes only moving in with her because hes broke. for the past weeks hes barely had enough money to feed himself. how the hell is he going to be able to make living with her work? hes worse off than when we lived together.
and she pays for everything vicki! everything! everytime they go out or do anything shes the one who pays. a part of me feels like hes with her because its the exact opposite of what he had with me. she does everything for him, she spoils him, shes willing to settle for his shortcoming and not expect much. I never asked him to spoil me, I never asked him to blow money on me, I just wanted his time but that was too much. I refused to settle for less. I refused to accept mediocore from him when I knew he was capable of so much more. I cant appologize for wanting the best from him. I wont.
I want to be happy. I want to be able to think of him and not feel myself break or burst into tears. yes a part of me will always have hope, a part of me will always belong to him and only him and will forever want to try again but its not fair. why was I so easy to toss aside? what does she have? what can she give him in just a few months that I couldnt give him in 8 years? it hurts so much sister. so very much. Im so depressed and not because of this but because I cant get over him. nothing helps. nothing works. Ive even found myself wishing those pills had worked all those years ago because then I never would have met him and never would have had to suffer through the hell of loving him. even with other men in my life showing me theres so much better out there, I love him. I dont want to love him anymore.
Im trying so hard to be nice to hm and make him understand how I feel and why its so hard for me and hes so angry at me. I never stopped loving him, I never stopped hoping and wishing for a way to make it work. I never stopped picturing him at the end of the aisle waiting for me, crying over how beautiful he thought I looked in my wedding gown. I asked for the promise ring I had given him 3 years ago and hes so mad at me. if he was really over it and if he really wanted her instead of me, why should it be so hard to give me back that ring? that ring was a promise I made to him. that ring and the one he gave me embody everything we were, everything we wanted to for each other together. if hes really moved on, shouldnt it be easy to give me that ring back? obviously those promises dont mean anything anymore, he has someone new that he loves and wants to be with, why does he still want a reminder of me? thats all that ring is, a reminder of me. even if he can take his off and put it away, that ring symoblizes me. if hes gonna move in with her, why does he still want that around? does that make any sense to you? cause it sure as hell doesnt make sense to me.
Im sorry if this msg makes zero sense. Im just losing it here. Im really falling apart at the seams and I just didnt know who to talk to without worrying about being judged or hated. I love you.

todays confessions....

I decided to make today a two-fer:




my secret: ever since my ex and I split up for good Ive basically begun dating my best friend. hes the best guy Ive ever known and I am so in love with him I annoy myself. he thinks I tell him everything but Ive been keeping something from him. 2 months ago I slept with my ex. he has a new girlfriend but I did it anyways cause I knew I was the only one he would ever cheat with and because secretly I hoped he would remember how much loved me once. he didnt remember but I still want to do it again.

second confession:
sometimes I really wish I didnt need you in my life so damn much. I know it should make me happy because I know I can depend on you and that you'll be there when I need you but deep down it makes me feel weak and pathetic. Im so afraid that one day your going to wake up and realize you dont want me around again and that your going to leave me. I dont know if I could handle that a second time.

another secret

and now my secret: Ive wanted a family of my own for as long as I can remember, my ex and I tried many times to start a family, and it was never successful. now Im afraid I might be pregnant and if I am, I have no idea who the father is. theres two choices, and neither of them ever wants kids.

postsecret

so if you've never heard of postsecret heres what it is, PostSecret is an ongoing community mail art project, created by Frank Warren, in which people mail their secrets anonymously on a homemade postcard. Select secrets are then posted on the PostSecret website, or used for PostSecret's books or museum exhibits.

The simple concept of the project was that completely anonymous people decorate a postcard and portray a secret that they had never previously revealed. No restrictions are made on the content of the secret; only that it must be completely truthful and must never have been spoken before. Entries range from admissions of sexual misconduct and criminal activity to confessions of secret desires, embarrassing habits, hopes and dreams. The secrets are meant to be both empowering to the author and to those who read it. Frank Warren claims that the postcards are inspirational to those who read them, have healing powers for those who write them, give hope to people who identify with a stranger's secret, and create an anonymous community of acceptance. PostSecret collected and displayed upwards of 2,500 original pieces of art from people across the United States and around the world between its founding on January 1, 2005 and 2007.


I have recently fallen completely in love with this project. I found their facebook fan page and went through every single fan photo (there are currently 1079) and I found a couple dozen that really stood out to me so much so that I saved them. I saved them because I could relate or because I was so envious that someone had the guts to share their secret when I cant share any of mine.

So as my own personal catharsis, I have decided to post one of the secrets I found every couple days followed with one of my own secrets in hopes that I can find some healing, and peace in my life.

lets start here:





now my secret:
when I left it wasnt because I didnt love you anymore or didnt want to be with you, I was just so tired of being the only one fighting to make things work. I wanted to know you thought I was worth fighting for.....guess I got my answer.....

Im just curious....

what do you do when you realize you've found the one....the one who makes you whole, the one who knows you better than you know yourself, the one who can make everything right just by being there. The man you've hoped for, wished for, prayed for, waited for. The man you cant live without. The one you cant go a day without talking to or seeing and when you lose a day with them nothing feels right or good. The other half of your soul. the one that completes you in all the right ways. The man who loves you unconditionaly without fail. The man who loves you and respects you. The one who knows every mistake, every wound, every scar and loves you more for it all. what do you do when you find that?

everyone always talks about the journey it takes to find that one person but they never tell you what to do after you've found them. especially when they arent ready to be the one.


what the hell comes next? shouldnt there be guidelines to go by or something?

oh twilight....you make me a 13 yr old girl again

so its pretty much to come the point that if you dont know anything about the twilight craze your either under the age of comprehenssion or living under a rock somewhere.

I'll admit, Im 22 and I have read all 4 books mulitiple times each and I love them. I never planned on reading them and to be honest I had never even heard of them until I saw the trailer for the very first movie. few days later I was at work and it turned out we were selling the first book. it took about a week and then I finally gave in and started reading it. I'll admit, I couldnt put the damn thing down. I was hooked. I had no desire to see the movie but I wanted to read all the books. and I did. I bought the first one, my ex bought me the second one, my dad bought me the third and my mom bought me the fourth.

I know my first post might make it seem like my ex was the only man Ive loved but in truth, hes not. as emo and prepubescent as this is going to make me seem, thats why I love the series so much. Im not a child who thinks shes known love, Im a grown woman who has known love. and heartache. Im also one of those fools whos fallen in love with more than one person at a time and has had to suffer through something I couldnt control.

the main thing with the whole twilight craze at this point is weather your team jacob or team edward. if your team edward, your for the vampire boyfriend slash fiancee slash eventual eternal husband. if your team jacob, your for the werewolf bestfriend whos known bella longer than edward and whos in love with her and willing to make a fool of his heart by fighting for her even though he knows hes going to lose but keeps fighting because he knows she loves him too, even though it takes her forever to admt it.

I know that feeling. Ive been in love, real love, twice in my life. the first time was with my ex fiancee, the second, my best friend. yea, Im one of those girls whos best friend is a guy. Ive known my "jacob" since we were in middle school. all through high school I always thought hw was such a cutie but he had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend I loved. even when we would fight and break up, I loved him. it wasnt until college that I he and I got really close. he was practically family at that point. we were both going into the same family pretty much. I was engaged and he was room mates with my brother in law to be. we thought it was great. and then he got sick and had to move back home from school. thats when it all changed. we started talking more. he was the one I found myself turning to when me and my "edward" fought or I was unhappy with things. and he was always there to listen to me and let me cry. my ex wasnt perfect and he didnt always treat me right but when things were good, they were really good. but with my best friend, things were better. I could be me, the real me. all the time.

I know its gonna sound strange considering my first post, but...as for the whole twilight thing....and in life......Im team jacob. Jacob is just Jacob. he doesnt pretend to be anything hes not. he wears his heart on his sleeve and is not afraid to fight for what he wants. he loves Bella enough to fight for her. hes always done his best to be there for her. he screwed up once and hurt her, broke her heart and he knew it. he knew he was a jerk, and he did what he could to make up for it. even after she took him back into her life and forgave him for breaking her heart too, he still couldnt help but be a jerk sometimes, but she knew it was just for show, becuase he knew he couldnt win. yea that makes him a bit of an asshole and yea some girls like that. I like that because he isnt afraid to show how he feels. he never is. Edward on the other hand hides these things. hes not willing to show that he'll fight for Bella. she knows he loves her and wants her forever but sometimes you need to hear it, you need to see it. sometimes saying forever isnt enough. sometimes you need to see it.

Edwards also the reason Jacob even came into the picture. if he had never left her, if he had never assumed he knew best for her, she never would have had to turn to Jacob. if kevin had never neglected me and shown me less than the respect I deserved I never would have seen how much joshua had to offer me. how much he does offer me. with kevin it was always about wanting us to be equal but never treating me as an equal. he always wanted to be "boss". always wanted to be over me, to be in charge of me, but yet he couldnt accept me, couldnt accept my faults. joshua can. joshua knows everything about me. knows every mistake Ive made, every scar, every bruise. everything Ive hoped for, feared, wished for, cried for. and he still sticks around. he doesnt pretend I dont have a past the way kevin always did. he accepts that Ive been human and had a past, and he loves me for the future Im capable of.

I know the day I fell in love with him. with joshua. we were at a museum, seeing an exhibit on the human body. and all its wonders. there was a closed off section. it was the part of the exhibit about pregnancy. the thing about this exhibit is that everything in it, every body and bone and muscle used is from an actual cadaver. every piece of that exhibit was once a living, breathing person. every baby, and fetus, was once a life that almost happened. we were with anther friend and they were both worried about me going in to see the pregnancy portion of the exhibit. I left them standing and debating it and walked in. I didnt last long, nor did I think I would. I slipped out when I thought they werent watching me. joshua was of course. he followed me out and found me a few feet away crying silently. he didnt say a word. he knew why I was in tears. he knew I was greiving the children Id wanted so much when another man. he didnt say anything at all. he walked up next to me, put his arm around me and let me cry. he never said a word, until I was done. he just looked me and asked if I was ready to go. can you blame me for falling in love? he fought for me too. he put in the effort to be with me and to show me he cared. kevin never did. all I wanted was for kevin to want me as much I wanted him. for him to fight for me, or at least show me he was willing to. he never was. he just expected me to know.

words arent enough sometimes. sometimes you need more. you need someone who shows they want you around, someone who will call you, make plans with you, hang out with you. someone who will lay in bed with you and just hold while you cry for someone else. someone who loves you and is afraid of it because they dont think theyre good enough. that was me with kevin, and I never expected anyone to feel that way about me, and then joshua came along. I love kevin, even now, but I also love joshua. hes my soul mate, I know that. hes my other half. but even still, even though Im always rooting for team jacob, in the end team edward wins....right? guess I'll just have to wait and see.

just needed to vent I guess

it always seems to go that you want most what you cant have. or what you can never have.

since I was 14 years old, all Ive wanted most out life was to be a wife and mother. more specifically all I wanted was to be his wife and mother to his children.




he is the love of my life. I wanted so badly for him to be the one. I still remember the first time I saw him. I was 14 years old, a freshman in high school and he was in my science class. I wasnt the pretty girl, I wasnt the popular girl, I was just a freshman trying to figure out high school. to be honest I hadnt even noticed him. I didnt see him till my friend told me there was a guy in the back of the class staring. I turned to look and there was this guy just watching us. I thought for sure he was watching my friend and I told her so. and I was so certain until she turned to look at him and told me he was staring at me. I couldnt believe it.

it took me a month or so before I finally got the nerve to talk to him. everyday he would stare at me and I couldnt figure out why. I would see him in the halls and wonder about him more and more everyday. it turned out I knew a few of his friends. finally one day I got the nerve to ask his friend if this guy that always stared at me had a girlfriend. his friend told me he didnt. as he was telling me this, the guy in question drove by and stopped about a block away to wait for his friend. his friend ran off but not before saying he was going to tell him Id asked about him. I was mortified. I walked as fast as I could from the bus stop to my house. about 5 min later a red car pulled up next to me on the sidewalk next to my house. it was him. my staring boy. I couldnt believe what was happening. he rolled down the window and called out to me. I went over and started to talk to him. he opened the door and without thinking (though I probably should have) I got in. he asked if I wanted to go for a drive but getting in his car to sit and talk was about as far as my nerves would take me. I can still remember his voice shaking as he asked if he could call me sometime and trying to laugh as he tore up his backseat looking for a pen and being please that I could have that effect on a boy. it felt incredible taking the pen from his hand and writting my number on his hand. I felt like one of the pretty girls. he called me for the first time that night and I never looked back.

we spent the next 8 years together. he was my everything. I made him the complete center of my world. I would have done anything for him, and I did. everything he asked of me, I said yes. he asked me to be his, I was. he asked me to marry him, I said yes. he asked me to move in with him, I did. he asked me to change who I was and what I believed in and I was ready to. he asked me for children, and I did my best to give him that. I gave him life twice and it was taken from me. nothing in this world has ever hurt more than losing his two children while they were still in my womb. I gave everything I had and more to that man.

Ive loved him since I was 14. all I ever wanted was to spend every day of forever with him. I dont understand why nothing I did was enough for him. why it was so easy to leave me. so easy to neglect me and not love me back. I miss him. he hurt me more than words can ever possibly explain. he broke my heart into a million pieces, and I still love him with every single piece. does that make any sense?

Ive learned that no matter how much I wanted him to be the one, hes not and he never will be. but I still love him. I still dream of being with him and making a life with him. and everyday it kills me more and more to love him the way I do.