I had something happen to me tonight that hasnt happened in almost 8 years. I found myself staring at a man that wasnt you and I felt butterflies and more than that; it felt right. I didnt feel guilty, I didnt want to cry. it felt so good to have that feeling. to get nervous looking at him, to get even more nervous when he looked at me. now I dont know what he was thinking when he saw me but it really doesnt matter to me right now. what matters is that even though this month sucks for me for reasons only you can understand, and even though I feel a stab of pain everytime I glance at the calendar, slowly but surely Im getting past it. Im dealing with the pain and Im dealing with the crap and I know that Lord has more in store for me than this. you are someone that was supposed to be in life and who was supposed to be there to help me learn some of the hardest lessons I'll ever learn and I'll probably never be able to stop loving you completely but Ive accepted that. I do feel blessed for the time we had together and the lessons we learned and you will never fully understand how grateful I am for the strength you gave me to overcome the worst demons in my past. you loved me and showed me that some men can be trusted, not every man is going to hurt me and violate me. you showed me that I am worthy of care and tenderness, and that means more to me than anything else. I can stand and say that the things that happened to me are not my fault and mean it. I can think about it and not feel afraid. you gave me that. you helped me find that power and control and I thank you for that everyday weather you know it or not. I love you kevin, and yes the days and weeks ahead are going to be tough on me and they are going to hurt but I'll survive.
Im going to be ok.
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